new pics

We recently got new family pics taken so I decided that it would be net to switch the picture on the blog. I was debating which one to choose.

A nice pic of Rhys

very hansom little man

He is the ninja after all, but that isn't quite right.

Maybe one of Gwen

silly Gwen

Or Avery

those eyes! 

Maybe a really nice family shot? that would cover the three preemies and the ninja

I know! something that is of all of us, but it more like "us"

Perfect! Rhys and Gwen acting silly, Matthew not quite looking, and Avery acting like she doesn't know us. 

Thanks again Auntie Mae for taking the pics, and reminding me what is important.

callings

I have been trying to think this post through for some time now, but I have a hard time talking about just me. I'm sure people are now thinking that the blog is all about me, and in a way it is except I'm talking about my kids or family. This post is all about me. And that is awkward for me, just as much as looking at pictures of myself.

new pic from family photos with Auntie Mae- but even this makes me awkward 

One thing you have to understand is that since I was very little I wanted to be a mom like some want to be a doctor or a nurse or a teacher. I knew it was a major calling in life, and it was hard to think of doing something else. In fact I still have a hard time figuring out what I want to do other then mothering. 

Shortly after working out that motherhood was my major calling, and figuring out how that happened. I felt the need to be a surrogate one day. That after I had my own children that I would love to give the gift of a child to others who needed that help. 

My first hurdle was convincing Matthew. 

We were still only dating when we were discussing children, and you might have read before that he brought it up very early in our relationship. Because of that it was an easy topic, and depending on how serious you are in your relationship and how much you want kids it is a good way to make it an easy topic to broach it that early. Or that could just work for us. Anyway, one of the first more challenging conversations we had was about how I wanted to be a surrogate one day. Once he was assured that I would just be the carrier and after questioning how he would feel if one of his really close female friends couldn't have their own child for whatever reason, he felt a bit better about it. But he requested that I would only do it for someone we knew. 

As time progressed, and I had the ninja without any difficulties. I knew that one day I would have to talk with Matthew about the chance to be a surrogate for someone other then a friend. 

I loved how easy pregnancy was, at least how easy it was for me. Because if I couldn't even tell with Rhys for so long, then I must take to pregnancy well right? No symptoms, no illness. It just felt right.

In the time between the girls, I was talking with someone I knew through school. She had discovered recently that due to a medical reason she would never be able to biologically have her own kids. After that talk, I felt reassured that surrogacy would definitely be in my future. I just needed to get pregnant on my own and complete our family.

And then, the girls...

After their birth, and they were stable, I had a very selfish moment. I lamented the fact that I would never be allowed to be a surrogate. 

I was "damaged goods", no one would want to put their expensive possibly only chance at a baby on someone who couldn't carry their own to term. And who can blame them? Not I. I know that one of the main reasons that we probably will never have anymore kids is our own worry that I won't be able to carry them to term either. 

So now what? 

It is a dream that I just have to let go. A calling that is unfulfilled. I might just need to work out how to change that calling. But until then I have 20+ years of knowing what I wanted to reconcile with the truth.

Tooth Fairy

Mr Rhys is growing up way to fast for me. His bottom front teeth have been wiggly since the second week of School.

I picked up fabric for his tooth fairy pillow today, and before he left for swimming with Nana, he pulled out the left one.

Calling everyone to tell them

new smile 

holding his tooth

So now he is off for sleepovers and three nights of tooth fairyness

Speech Language

Dear Gwen, sweet dear Gwen.

I can say 80% of my gray hairs have come from worrying about you,. Not to say your siblings haven't given me a few, Avery & Rhys' two surgeries where no walk in the park. Avery gave me many frights during her NICU stay. But I don't think I have ever stopped fully worrying about you on a major level. You with your hearing, with your language stills, with the unknown.

Will we have to make the unthinkable choice to go with CI's?

I don't know.

And the unknown is a lot more frightening then certainties, AN is such an unknown.

I thought you were doing well.

I thought that you were talking up a storm. Not as much as Avery, but she doesn't need hearing aids.

But after speech language today, I got the impression that your doctors are more concerned then they are telling me.

So now what?

We have to wait and see, and try to give up on worries. You are happy, healthy and know no different.

And isn't that all that matters? That you are happy?

Hopefully now we will have a lot more answers now that you have started SL, but as always its hard to tell with you.  But it is a start and we will get more answers. 

For all things there is a season

Life is busy, but would I have it any other way? Nope.

A lot has happened, and we are trying to settle into the new normal.

I went to the all day scrabooking fundraiser for the Sunshine Foundation . It was a great day, and I got 14 pages done in Gwen's book. I would take picks of them (and will later) but due to the camera incident I'm currently looking for my old SD card. During the fundraiser, I won not only the door prize but also one for making so many pages. It was great to get out for the day and just create. It was also great that I was able to do so for such a great cause and met a bunch of parents of much older NICU grads.

one cell pic of a double page layout I did

Gwen has gone back to audiology at the end of September. Her hearing is the same in the right and a little better in her left ear. They made casts for new earmolds, and we talked about her starting up speech language. After both girls going on the wait-list back in April 2012, we finally had appointment times for this week (Gwen's was supposed to be Monday & Avery's Wednesday) Both the audiologist and her AVT therapist were excited to get in touch and plan with the SL.

I also got the go ahead from them for getting Gwen's ears pierced, in fact they believe that it is the perfect time to do so, from their end. So now we just are trying to decide if we will get it done this coming weekend, or to wait until the Spring. Matthew and I have talked over the pros and cons, and both Nan's have been informed with expected results. The two main reasons why I think we might wait until Spring is because they need to stay in for so long and we have very cold winters not comfortable with earrings in, and because the girls are already at a high risk for illness why risk an infection on top of all the other bugs they will be fighting? We just want to both be well informed, but at the same time, we know that we can care for them properly and that we want them to get their ears done. I guess there is never the perfect time to do so.

Avery was to Physio and is expected to do fine, we just have to encourage her not to take both hands from people when walking. She was to speech language yesterday, and the SLT is very impressed with her vocab and her language comprehension. That is once she warmed up to the SLT. In the appointment we worked it out that her paralyzed vocal cord is in the worst position for speech. That we can't do much until she is older that we can tell her how to regulate her airflow to project her voice without straining her right vocal cord. Right now when she yells she is straining the cord. So she doesn't need to go back until March/April

Miss Ave

Avery was smiling by the end of the SLT appointment, a big victory due to her sobbing in my arms at the beginning. When asked what she thought of the appointment she said "that was some nice Mama" I jokingly said to her father it was proof that she spent the weekend down the southern shore.

The reason we were down the shore was that one of Matthew's 90 year-old Nan's passed away last week. She was much loved, and lived a great fulling life. I could only wish to be as loved and respected. Mrs Helen was waked on Sat & Sun then her funeral was Mon morning.

Mrs Helen with Rhys May 2008

Late Sun night I packed up Rhys and Gwen for the hour and a half drive home because Gwen's SL appointment was at the time that we would miss the funeral, it would have been at least a 4 month postponement to the appointment if I cancelled it. Rhys also had his school picture day on Monday. At 8:16 am Monday morning with both kids in the van, I got the call to cancel Gwen's appointment. We rushed over to Rhys' school got his pic done by 8:30 am then we headed down the shore again making it before the funeral to be there with the rest of the family. Most expensive school pic he will ever have taken.

I was glad to be there for Matthew, he did the first reading and he did really well given how emotional it was for him.

spent way too much time in the van this weekend 

Or family pics were put on the back burner which turned out to be a blessing because it was raining on the original day that we were planning on doing them. It also gives us more time to find a coat for Rhys that we like that is in his size.

Gwen's SL appointment has been rescheduled for tomorrow, so I am unsure what the plan for her is.

We also completely uncovered the wallpaper, and it looks to be in great shape. I think we might keep the green and work with it. Thankfully it is the same green in my inspiration pillow.

inspiration pillow 

wallpaper at night 

As I was typing I just got the call for Gwen's first visit with her itinerant teacher, its on the same day as our anniversary. So two home visits coming up. More reasons to make the wallpaper work for now.

And we have three birthday parties, two baby showers (on the same day) our anniversary, Thanksgiving and Halloween coming up. Who knows what else! I like to keep busy, but it would be nice if everything wasn't on the same day. We are missing out on the CHHA family Halloween fun day, because its on the baby shower day.

I also had gotten an awesome deal on a new SD card, unfortunately it took a few times using it and loosing some pics before I found out it was corrupt. I almost lost pics I took during the weekend with the family in because of the wake. I have also realized that most of the pics seem to look poorer quality from that card but that could have just been on my end ;) Thankfully Auntie Mae was able to have a look and found out that I had to re-install drivers to my computer and after much finagling we were able to fix my DSLR too. But that SD card is a write off. It is the lesser of the problems, but it sucks that my brand new card did so much damage and caused that much grief. Thanks again Auntie Mae!

Are you his mom? and gaining square footage part 2

Its a beautiful +25C October day here, so I walked to pick up Rhys from kindergarten. There is a convenient trail that is across the street that leads directly to the school but it passes "the purple park" that is right behind the school.

Daddy and Rhys walking home on the end of the path on his first day

"The Purple Park" with Rhys' school in the background 

Rhys has told us before that their new gym teacher on nice days will bring them to the park to play. Its a great idea its so close to the school, and it has a big field to run around. So it didn't surprise me that we passed an elementary class there for gym. Rhys ran right up to his teacher, who is maybe 5 years older then me max, and said hi! 

We had a quick talk and at the end she looked at me oddly then asked "are you his mom?"

I know I was younger when I had the ninja baby. 

But I wasn't unbelievably young. 

So ether I look younger then I think I do, or Rhys looks older. 

Yet this hasn't been the first time this has come up, and it is more frequent the older Rhys gets. It has never come up with the girls. Maybe because I look like I should only have little kids, and that I am too young to have a school aged kid?

I know it isn't the norm to have kids younger, at least not here. I know that I might be one the younger mom's in Rhys' kindergarten class. But I doubt that I am the youngest.

We have been kept busy at home too, with the wall. 

Last nights progress

And then we peaked under the paneling to see the state of the wall underneath when we found...

Wallpaper?????

So now we are placing bets on whats under that wallpaper. But the trend with the house continues. How much space will we gain by the end of this project?