Friday, 4 April 2014

One of "those moms"

I have to admit that I am doing something as a mom that I thought I would never do. Not just before I became a mom, but even up until even as recently as a month ago.

What is it?

I never never thought I'd put a "leash" on my kids, and yes I called it a leash.

Even with strong resistant Rhys I could control the safeness of a walk. There was a few times I would have to grab him up into my arms but by the age of three he was constantly safe not to because he knew not to.

With the girls, I thought I had two hands and if I had three of the kids Rhys is responsible enough to help.

So what has changed?

Miss Gwen

who me???

Gwen is a runner, and unlike her older brother, in a loud parking lot she can't hear me. She won't keep her hearing aids in a parking lot and can't wear them in the van so they come out before she goes outside. I had a day picking up Rhys with the girls were Gwen bolted on the road. I didn't have enough arms to run after her with Avery or the speed with Avery in my arms.

It was the scariest thing to happen since they came home from the NICU.

I still wished to teach Gwen safety instead of relying on a leash. But no matter how many times we tried she will bolt with no warning.

As a mom, it is terrifying. My child can't hear me, she can't detect were all the traffic sounds are coming from, and due to this tendency to run she is at a major risk.

So what to do, even with the knowledge of the backpack harnesses I couldn't bring myself to do it. It took the panic of almost loosing her and talking about my fears with other moms.

Gwen's SLP summed it up the best- you've done so much to give her the best in life and fought for her, give her this extra protection until she can trust herself in a parking lot.

Got her a little pink backpack and she loves going around with it,today was the first time we used the harness part. She was a good girl and held my hand the whole walk into audiology she had a harder time going back to the van but she was getting tired.

"Avery ook my ears!"

It was such a relief  that I could let her walk and that she could do it safely.

Yet I still got looks.

People who like me thought that its a crutch, maybe they thought I was lazy. I too had the reservations of using them. But you know what? Gwen was safe, independent and I didn't loose her to a preventable accident.

So judge away, but my baby is safe.

Thursday, 27 March 2014


Sorry I've been MIA from the blog, work with appointments and sickness has taken me away. But that happens with kiddos!

I've been posting trow back thursday pics on facebook and thought i would share todays, my baby ninja was born on a Sunday mornning a month shy of 6 years ago and his birthday is on a Sunday again.

Can't believe he is going to be six!

Sunday, 19 January 2014

To the visitor next door


We haven't really met. We have exchanged nods while I was shoveling when you went in a few weeks ago but that is about it. I don't know your name, I don't know your age, I don't know your situation. But the little I have witnessed and believe to work out about you might not make you happy, who knows I could be wrong you might enjoy any attention. 

Let me start by saying I understand that you are young, I've been there and honestly I'm not that old. But there are a few things that you are doing that have a major impact that you don't seem to know or care. 

You come to pick up the young lady who lives there you don't seem to care enough to go to the door. Instead you barmp your horn 10 times quickly. 

Today, as most days, this was at the beginning of nap time. Being young, you probably don't realize how much this throws my little girls waking them just after settling down. 

But let’s forget them for the moment; let’s just talk about how to be a kind person. Treating someone kindly, I doubt you'd like having someone blear a horn 10 times at you. 

Go to the door and knock, ring the bell I don't care. Just go to the door. That shows that you care for her, as a friend or boyfriend I don't know. But it shows you care. It’s an act of decency, and will do a lot for your future relationships.

I have noticed before that you don't seem to care about others, or how your actions can cause severe repercussions. Barrelling out of the un-shovelled driveway missing hitting the man across the street by less than a foot and then speeding off is so dangerous. Stop to think about your actions. If you hit that person what would have happened would have stayed with you forever. And you are young, so forever is a very very long time. 

Think about the fact that on my side I have two two year olds who do still need to nap, and the other side has young kids too. 

Because today I will be thinking of your actions with every screaming fit, and sobbing fest. When Gwen starts falling over and Avery hitting her head on the floor because they are so tired and they couldn't get to sleep for as long as they need to.

I know you will never read this, but I know that someone who is young might and then think again about their actions. I hope you will think about your actions and I truly wish you the best. 

Monday, 6 January 2014

power outages, appointments and major talks

Happy New Year!

I mentioned before that I've started a new job, lost the van in a minor accident (no injuries and just me in it), got a new job, had 4/5 of our birthdays (plus 3/4 of the grandparents) all in the last month and a half.

Love the job, its only part-time only 8-24 hours a week but it works around Matthew which is important with two two year-old  preemies who still have tons of appointments. I'm working in a portrait studio, doing something I love. 



Christmas, and birthdays were busy busy busy! And the adjustment to working alongside parenting three kids is well underway, I think the adjustment to not seeing Matthew as much was harder. But now he gets to take the girls to appointments by himself too and is understanding firsthand the girls issues.

In the last 4ish days, I've lost count, we have been experiencing rolling power outages and full on power outages. Our work was without power for most of the time, but we still were there. The kids have done okay with the power being gone, Rhys is hitting the point of "why is it gone again" but he is dealing. 

School has a delayed opening until at least Wednesday, so he is excited. 

Gwen had another Speech Language appointment today, it went ahead because the hospital has power. She is booked for once a week the next four weeks. 

At the end, it was mentioned that we are gearing up as parents and all of her "team", speech language, audiology, audio visual, and itinerant teacher to get together to decide if her hearing aids are enough or if we will have to go the cochlear implant route. Its hard to keep hearing that regardless we still have to talk about it, but the reality is is Gwen getting enough language right now? I believe she is, she understands what we say to her but I also appreciate that she doesn't verbalize as much as her sister (or her brother did) 

Its going to be a tough discussion, and a tougher decision.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Happy Holidays


11:30 am on Christmas Eve we saw Santa at the mall, that gives you an indication how busy this month has been. Between me going back to work, needing to get a new van quick, birthdays, and soooo much snow we haven't stopped!

Hope everyone has a safe, wonderful, family filled holiday season and new year!

Side not look how much bigger the kids are vs. 2012 (and they are in mirror to this year)

Sunday, 8 December 2013

The worst day...

Dec 8, 2011

I panic thinking of it, it was the date I went into hospital and was placed on bedrest.

It was the date I was told the girls only had a 10% chance of surviving the birth.

5% chance of surviving.

only a 2% chance of being "intact".

I was told I could just stand up, that because it was before 24 weeks they were not expecting survival.

It was the beginning of my nightmare that I couldn't wake from

I cried for 48 hours. Heard every scary statistic. Knew too much. Was reminded again and again what I would need to do "when you get pregnant next time" as if the girls were already gone...

Talking of not only my mortality to try and wrap my brain around were I would want my babies placed to rest if they didn't make it.

I spent 14 days on my head fighting to keep the girls inside, ignoring my own health risks and focusing just on them. Quickly I realized that my crying might be doing more harm, so I pushed back my fears, and focused on them.

Fighting for every steroid, every antibiotic, refusing to move unless I was made to. And then I passed the 24 week mark and I had more support in our fight.

I thought I was ready for this day, that I was over my sadness. The girls are fine, and doing well. But the thought of bedrest, of Dec 8th makes me sad.

I hope next year will be better.

I have been told that it was the day that makes people proud of me. That I became a supermom.

I didn't see it that way.

I just did what I believe any mom would have done if given the chance.

So today I have to remind myself that at the end I got my beautiful baby girls, and remind myself once again that everyone is safe, alive, and as healthy as they can be.



It doesn't help that there is a lot going on right now that I can't get into yet, on top of my normal issues with Dec 8th. 

So I'm sorry if I don't seem very festive. I'm sorry if I might not smile as much as I normally do. I'm working through this and trying not to let my kids notice. 

Monday, 18 November 2013

30th birthday prep

Matthew is turning 30 this Friday. I keep thinking how crazy the girls have grown, but he his preemie #1 in this house and has changed greatly. I have seen earlier pics, but his mom isn't a fan of those so I only have copies of him nearing the end of the NICU stay.

home a week 
Nearing going home from the NICU 

going home day 

Rhys has the blue and white blanket from when he was a baby, and Avery was in the same cot as her daddy when she moved out of her incubator.  

But anyways, I am reminded how much the girls have changed and can imagine how Matthew's parents are feeling nearing this milestones. 

So now I'm planing his birthday party and looking back at how much he has grown. I am so thankful everyday for his doctors and nurses, some even took care of the girls. But without them trying to save Matthew 30 years ago, the kids wouldn't exist. 

Another wonderful pic I have is one of him and Avery's godmother (Matthew's cousin who is 3 months older then him) 

you can tell how tiny he was next to her
two of them on other side of me in 2012 he has caught up in size